아무도 모르게, 떨리는, 내맘.

最近似乎很容易觉得孤独。。特别孤独。

眼镜很像是真的弄丢了。T.T 所以我也只好又瞎懵懵地度过一天，一直到星期六。。（拿隐形眼镜的时候）。

天啊，我的华语好烂啊！

okay i give up, gonna switch back to english for a while.

i've been squinting my eyes the past few days, subconsciously or not. it's torturing especially staring at the computer screen for long hours in office and even more torturing since i have to type a lot of words. like a lot.

but it's not all a bad thing. i like to take off my specs esp at night and look at the scenery surroundings around me. cos i like how the lights look like they have been bokeh-fied.

like this:
pretty right? (:

it makes me feel better at times, that i dont have to see 'things' so clearly, that certain 'things' are not meant to be seen so clearly, and understood so clearly. looking at the bokeh lights is something comforting to me.

just like today.

have you ever gone through a period of moments not knowing what you are doing?

like you're just going through the motions, doing everything and nothing aimlessly, thinking everything and nothing in your head? i felt like that just now, when i was alone in Ion Orchard in the evening. i was just walking along with the crowd, against the crowd, without my specs. and it feels good.

since i couldn't see faces clearly, i didn't feel self-conscious at all, like how i usually would feel when i'm alone. (yes i'm a self-conscious kind of person if you haven't already know). plus, my phone was out of battery, so i couldn't check my phone habitually frequently like i always do, wondering if there's any reply, notification etc. usually, when i'm alone, i'll have my earphones plugged in, listening to music as i walk. since my phone was out of batt, i couldn't listen to music at all and so my mind was very unoccupied.

my mind felt so free.

走在人群中有迷失了自己的感觉。

okay, realised this is a bit no link to the 'going through the motions' part but i felt like that anyway.

oh, and during one of those fortunate moments, such a thought came to my mind - “啊！如果可以去一趟背包旅行就好了。” Go to a place where everything is new and fresh to me, so that i can take in all the new sights and knowledge eagerly, like how a kiddo would.

if only lah huh.

i guess i should be ending this post already but i know i haven't 'thrown out' everything i want to 'throw out'. still, i'm glad the post turned out this way. (:

on second thoughts,

confession: 我想我应该不会再对任何人注入任何感情了。因为一个不爱自己的人，怎么可能会懂得怎样去爱另外一个人呢？即使如此，还是很希望有一天可以有机会说出，"이제야, 내게도 사랑이 온거죠".

ps: i might have more silent stalkers then i thought. it seems that i have a reader from Belgium.. and there is only ONE person i know of who is in Belgium right now... *narrow eyes suspiciously*

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