i can't remember how this habit had come about. probably from the time when i worked at seimpi, whenever i feel frustrated with the mountain of 'cases' in front of me, i'll stop everything, take a break by eating kimchi cup ramen. the spiciness in my mouth makes me forget everything for a while. well, just a while.

but a while is good enough.

as to why i'm feeling down today?

i went back to hai sing today to help train the guides' fancy drill performance for speech day.

wasn't very successful though cos there was just me coaching them and they need a lot of fine-tuning and there just wasn't enough time and i start to become unsure..

unsure whether they can produce a complete performance by speech day.

and then there was the part where i had to recall my guiding days again as the new guides teacher was interested to know the history behind guides.

and then jin long sir, the sir who was in-charged of np came to talk to me. we had small talk about what a pity it was about guides and stuff.. well frankly speaking i'm not sure if the 'pity' in his speech was about me or the guides because later on he asked me if i was 21. i said no and asked him why the question and he replied that if i'm interested, i can register under hq and come back hai sing to help out as an officer.. for np. npcc. the thought has never crossed my mind before. but after all, there is still a stark difference between guides and npcc. and.. once a guide, always a guide. or, alternatively, he said that if i have stronger feelings for guides, maybe i can asked miss soh if there's guides at pasir ris secondary, where she's currently the npcc's oc there, and be posted there.. but then i told him it's not my own school after all.. and he mentioned something about passing down the passion.. as a leader, i get what he means. but..

i don't know what i'm feeling actually. looking at the current guides, looking back at our past, grimacing at their bleak future.. at my future.. cherol said i looked as if i was about to cry. jin long sir asked me why i so sian when he first saw me. well, maybe what i felt was a mixture of both.. or even more?

walked home from hai sing just now. walking always makes me feel calmer. it gives me the time to sort out my thoughts and emotions.. most of the time.

there was just this flitting moment when i felt a little vulnerable, a little helpless when i realised that i may not be able to do it myself after all.. and the feeling increased when i felt the pressure of making sure they perform well on speech day.. and then i began to feel lost when i realised i can't stop whatever that's happening to them. i have no control at all.

and then there's the 'do all these matter at all?'