not for myself but to a few people.

not sure if i have said the right words, done the right things, conveyed my thoughts across correctly and appropriately.

i really want to write down the happenings and my feelings explicitly but i can't. FOR ONCE i want to and i couldn't. ):

i think i really need to kill this wishy-washy character of mine and get rid of the fears.

cos the fears prevent me from being myself.

i tend to be a lil indecisive at times as i don't want to come across as being too assertive (i think i still end up being that way sometimes) and yet i still managed to make people irritated annoyed upset ________ with me nevertheless.

i'm too scared to offend other people, or make them unhappy. i'm afraid of doing anything that may lead to their displeasure, that may lead to them looking at me in a negative way aka dislike me. but such fear and uncertainty really do end up in displeasing them anyway. or so i really believe.

some kinds of fear are good. eg the fear of being late for school which will result in the percentage of my attendance to drop has led to me being punctual (better than punctual actually) for school so far.

another example is the fear of falling behind the others, this i have mentioned so often recently. the fear of doing badly for my exams again has resulted in me trying to be as consistent as i can every week.

but most fears aren't as positive.

it's like recently when fear strikes, i ended up doing things that caused situations/ led to results that are opposite from what i had wanted/ pictured. like unintentionally unknowingly unconsciously i'll screw up and before i knew it, it's too late.

they have already happened and i can't do anything to change the fact. and a sorry after that really doesn't help cure anything, like what my IBM lecturer keeps saying these days.

and i tend to worry about the unnecessary things while not putting enough thoughts and consideration for the fundamental and essential issues.

and yes, this basically shouts pessimism too.

like how i'm probably over worrying unnecessarily now, that in reality, nobody's mad/ annoyed/ upset with me and such energy and time and worries would probably have been better spent on making sense of my econs notes but no i just can't help doing what i'm doing now.

hais nan molla.

p/s: one after another, unpleasant things just keep happening. i can only say that today is really not my day.