how you doing?

i miss being eighteen.

come to think of it i hate ages that are odd numbers. when i was thirteen, i wish i was still twelve; when i was seventeen, i wanted to go back to being a sixteen; and now that i'm nineteen, i miss terribly being an eighteen.

i guess the reason could be it's so coincidental that 13, 17 and 19 are fresh years. i mean, they are the ages where you have to start all over again in a new environment. that's pretty scary if you ask me because i have to meet new people. and the idea of meeting new people frightens me terribly.

reason why i call all of you potatoes.

it's near one month to meeting new people SIM and i have to admit that i'm more anxious/ worried/ scared than excited. yea you get the idea. i'm more on the negative side. same old me. when i was entering secondary school, the fears were that too but the me then was more lively and rahrah so the positive and negative were about equal. when i was entering jc, the fears got worse and the scale started tilting towards the negative side a bit more.

so anyway i thought i should do a little reflection on my past eighteen years.

i think the past eighteen years have treated me good. i'm healthy, with no abnormalities (except if my stomachaches can get ease i would have been really glad). i am not be pretty but i'm okay with how i look. well, i like myself enough to still have the habit of camwhoring. plus i don't think my fashion taste is bad. love life is nowhere but that's the last thing i need right now. my social circle seems to be getting smaller (it's a pathetic discovery when me and liangying were counting the number of real friends we have in life, we didn't even finish the fingers in one hand) which kinda worries me because that means i'm right about my fear of people. googled it that day and found out it's called anthropophobia. nah, i'm not really at that stage yet. the symptoms are a lot worse on the article. so i guess i'm considered safe?

family wise, well, i don't know what to say actually. it's always been the roughest and toughest part in my life. things are better now. i'm still at loggerheads with my mum now and then but at least it's not as bad as before. the only problem i can say now is both of them seem to be unemployed. mum because she wants to be on hiatus again. and dad? i really don't know what he's doing. the last i heard from mum was that he has switched to f&b but he's at home so often these days, i don't even think he's working. =/

now that i look at the two paragraphs above, even 'good' seems to be an overstatement.

i think i have had enough of my fair share of downs already so i really hope i get to experience some ups. downs eg embarrassing moments, epic fail moments, serious fail moments and i hope to have less or better, none of that when my uni life starts. then again, i believe i said the same thing to myself before jc started - that i'll present a new image to people, and not be the blur sotong that i am. the condition seemed to have worsen though.

i want to be more mature, more sensible and much more rational. i want to be able to do the right things (without being self-conscious), make the right decisions (without listening to others blindly), have the right sense of judgement (without any moment of hesitation). i want to concentrate better, to be more committed and dedicated, to be more serious and move slowly but steadily and surely towards my goal.

i want to be what i couldn't be in the past eighteen years of my life.

i'll try my best. (: