When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our answers were things like astronaut, president, or in my case, a princess. When we were ten, they asked again. We answered rock star, cowboy, or in my case, gold medallist. But now that we’ve grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how about this: who the hell knows? This isn’t the time to make hard and fast decisions, this is the time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere. Fall in love.. a lot. Major in philosophy, cause there’s no way to make a career out of that. Change your mind and change it again, because nothing’s permanent. So make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask again what we want to be, we won’t have to guess. We’ll know.

~ Graduation speech by Jessica Stanley from Eclipse (movie)

Taken from tumblr.

i’ve been thinking a lot regarding what i want to do in future for the past few days, and after today, im more or less certain but scared and aimless nonetheless.

let’s see.. when i was ten (primary four), i was very inspired by the patience and love showered to me and my classmates by my favourite form teacher, mrs yap. i was so inspired that i wanted to be a teacher like her, doing the same to my students. in fact, mrs yap always clinch ‘the most caring teacher’ award consecutively because of her popularity among her students. and i wanted to be like her, to love and be loved by my students. the next year i became even more determined when i met other good teachers like mr koh. and of cos, there was also 何老师who has taught me since primary three. in fact, i remember asking them lots of questions relating to teaching as a career in my journals when i have nothing else special to write about. (you know, the one that you have to write an entry about anything special that has happened during the week and let them read it? yes, that one.) i was an inquisitive kid, and asked them many things, from salary, to working hours, to the number of years i need before i can become a full-fledged teacher… i bet they were sick of looking at my seemingly endless list of questions. but yes, that was me, and my ambition when i was a primary kid. (have i mentioned that im blessed to be surrounded by many inspiring and passionate teachers in primary, secondary and junior college?)

when i was fifteen, i had more opportunity and authority to explore singapore and move around to places like town areas on my own, i fell in love with a workplace during one of my little explorations. that workplace is fullerton. i remember how i was awed by the grandeur of the hotel, how i was impressed by the people by the desk in their smart uniforms, how i longed to be wearing those uniforms, and how i marvelled at the flawlessness of the interior. at that point of time, it felt like the dream place to work at. the glamour and beauty of it all, and i wanted to be part of it. and you may think all that was superficial but the more i thought about it, the more i became interested because i knew i would like to make foreigners feel at home when they are staying with us. (us cancerians love to be good hosts.) im proud of singapore and i want to promote my beloved country to these foreigners. and i love interacting with foreigners because they are very friendly, outgoing, and open-minded. this quirky trait was later confirmed when i was sixteen, working officially for the first time at robinsons centrepoint, where i got to meet a lot of foreign customers and i really enjoyed serving them, much more than serving local customers. i began researching a lot about the hospitality industry and especially areas in relation to hotel management. i found out that switzerland provides the best hotel management education out there and at the same time realised that i’ll probably never be able to afford that sort of education. it also dawned onto me after listening to advice from various people that this would be a very difficult path. nevertheless, i continued to dream, fervently wanting to open a hotel empire when i grow up.

but i got so caught up in the dream, i forgot to start laying down the steps to realising this dream and... i took the wrong path. well, maybe not wrong, just probably a route that does not seem to bring me anywhere near it. i took the path of entering a junior college, when i probably should have entered a polytechnic and go for hospitality and tourism management instead.

but that has already happened and i shall not dwell too much about it. anyway during the toughest two years of my life, i did not have much time to think about what i really want to do, much less, the time and energy to plan for how to go about doing what i want to do. no time no energy not just cos due to studies but also due to various distractions. but being a dreamer, dreams like opening a book cafe of my own, being a wedding planner and even opening my own wedding studio still pop up every now and then. but of cos, there is always a limit to being a dreamer and practical questions and thoughts like, “yah right, where to find that capital?” will immediately shatter these beautiful images. and more practical thoughts like being a public relations manager will appear, which resulted me to start researching on mass comm courses. so this was sort of the main ambition on my mind until it brought to my attention that NTU has just started to offer hospitality and tourism management DEGREE recently. and immediately that became my main focus. until more distractions came to the view and the vision gradually blurred…

so now im here, eighteen, still wondering about what should have been, might have been and would have been, and thinking about the very same question that i have thought about since i was ten: what do i want to be when i grow up. im currently working as a full-time admin at my music school while working as a part-time tutor and the two jobs have taught me more than what i had expected them too. my admin job had totally convinced me that im not cut out for business as i lack the tenacity, while tutoring has made me realised that i can teach pretty well as a teacher as i can verbalise and illustrate thoughts, processes and concepts pretty well (for primary syllabus, this im pretty proud of), the very reason why i am excellent at making notes but horrible at applying what i have learnt. and this may be just a superficial opportunity or could be just a spare tyre but i think i will adapt to education sector pretty well. and thus, i may very well just return back to square one, pursuing the very first dream that i had as a simple-minded ten-year-old kid. however, while teaching may be a satisfying job, in the long run, will satisfying be enough? will i be contented? besides, there was something else on my mind. an idea that has been lingering there for quite sometime and continues to dive its way into the abyss of my head. and it’s the kind of thing that keeps tickling you and you can’t get rid of that itchiness cos you can’t find the source of it at all.

that very idea is being a translator.

if im not wrong, sarah or liying was the one who gave me that idea someday in my 2nd year in jc. we were talking about our passions and sarah (im pretty sure it’s her somehow) asked me if i was interested in languages since i spoke in japanese and korean quite often in class at random moments, and i thought about it (because the question has never been raised before) and i said, “well, i guess so.” and she went, “oh, then you can be a translator!” and i was like O.O, oooh, yeah.. and that idea totally had me intrigued from then on. i’ve always love languages, and it’s the only area that i excelled in among all subjects. i could totally ditch computer just to spend a few hours on my japanese course book (and sometimes korean course book) and yes, im so passionate about these 2 languages that i even went to buy course books just to study them. plus, translation never goes out of fashion because translators will always be needed, be it in the publishing industry, the media industry or even the government sector under foreign affairs. oh yes, and not to forget, the tourism sector! media, tourism and languages, the beautiful combination of my favourite trio, isn’t this just perfect?

except,

the path isn’t very direct. see, if you want to be a lawyer, you study law; if you want to be an accountant, you study accountancy; if you want to be a designer, you study art, you study design; if you want to be a chef, you study culinary, you study food and nutrition; if you want to be a doctor, you study medicine, you study biology, you study chemistry. if you want to be an entrepreneur, you study business, you study economics, you study finance, or just be clear cut, study the market and consumer trends yourself!

but to be a translator, what do you study?

the language? yes, what language? all languages? to what extent? the culture? the history? the dynamics? yes/ no? and how far? what about literature? writing styles? mass media? or is it mass comm?

get what i mean?

the whole idea, just seems so big and vague and i don’t know what to start with and where to start from! what are the courses available in singapore to help me realise this dream?

but more importantly, do i get to choose? will i end up with no choice at all?

but im really beginning to wonder if i should really start to get serious and start thinking about it. today, i went to mr foo’s house in the evening with my math tuition peeps to 拜年and he told us how he had found his path to work with computers after being deployed to work for personnel research where he came into contact with major computer work during his NS days. and then pei yi shared with us that she is currently on an attachment with changi general hospital following doctors and nurses around to understand the workings of a hospital better as she wants to pursue a career in medicine track. meanwhile, xian da is now working under his father’s accountant at his father’s company, and yuan zhi is now processing credit cards at maybank. im not saying that what im learning as an admin, wait, admin is underrated, course coordinator should be the right term, and no, it’s not just a name that sounds nicer. anyway, im not saying that what im learning as a course coordinator now isn’t useful, im learning about office operations, some accountancy skills, event organising skills, as well as planning skills and these are really useful but im pretty sure they are not what i need if i really were to work in the education/ tourism/ translation sector. which leaves me to this:

what the hell am i doing now?

suddenly, i feel like im just idling my time away when the truth is im working very hard. and suddenly i can’t help but think this is not how i want my holidays to be. i had intended from the very moment that i was free from a levels that i will make use of my 8 months of holiday to help me attain useful skills that will prepare me for my next stage (which was exactly why i was so eager to get a job quickly) but somehow, money had distracted me and now everything is going so wrong. i feel so stagnant and i don’t like this. i don’t want to keep making mistakes over and over again. yes i know according to the excerpt up there, this is the time to be making mistakes but i feel like i should cherish my time better. because with every minute, my dreams seem to be running further and further away from me and im nowhere near catching up to them and im feeling so desperate i want to reach them badly. and now i’ve reached the edge of the cliff and am just at a loss, as always.

i need a spoon of determination, a teaspoon of tenacity and a drop of courage to take that leap of faith to reach my cloud of dream up there.

p/s: typed on 9 February around 1am with Windows Live Writer, that thankfully does not require internet connection. Stupid internet has been down the past two days.