does it have to be like this?

i feel like i've lost a lot of things recently.. no, people actually. but yea, things too.

i've lost courage.
i've lost confidence.
i've lost the ability to socialise.

with lesser things, lesser people around me, i supposed i should be able to breathe better now that i have more space. but no. i feel suffocated.

i feel so empty inside. so alone.

is like to me, 'they' are still friends. but they are not really friends.

or at least it's their actions and little gestures or 'aura' they omitted that made me feel like i arent a friend to them.

maybe it's cos i think too much. or maybe it's bcos i read body language too well.

but i feel upset.

i dont feel like i belonged anywhere now. im like this aimless soul floating around.

like those days. the memory still real and the images still vivid in my mind.

now, i dont know who to sit with, who i can turn to, who i can have a comfortable conversation with, who would partner with me, who would form a group with me.

i feel like a parasite sticking around and the thing is i cant help but think that they will feel upset with me.

this self-blaming is making me go crazy.

i cant help but think im just a trouble to them. this extra person.

i've never been a very popular person but at least i've always had a safe group of friends. people who like me for me and want to out with me you know bcos they think of me as a friend, or a good friend even.. until now..

never felt so alone.

i always feel out of the venn diagram. but now, i dont even see myself anywhere in the picture. i feel like im exclusive.

i hate feeling like im being pitied or sympathised with when im ask to join them since im alone.

i hate myself for being this weak and vulnerable.

what's holding me back now?

我想我可以习惯一个人生活

i dont want this to continue anymore.

i feel so tired..

life at school has never been such a torture.

im dreading every single tutorial right now..

and i hate admitting that im this helpless..

there's this saying that "you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

i guess it's my only choice now.

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