im just afraid of..

i dunno why but i felt so torn apart just now.

all of a sudden i just blanked out. not knowing what to do. just stunned. nothing could go into my ears during math lecture. too many things on my mind.

took out my lil journal then and began listing down the list of things i need to do these few days.

two pages long.

got a shock then.

it's like i really got a handful of things now. invitational shoot's admin matters, guides stuff..

it's like before i know it, i have a plate full of food in front of me when i can already barely finish them and suddenly i just feel like vomitting.

beginning to wonder if it's the right decision.

tmr will be the first time im officially meeting the guides and training them (for their ceremonial drill on monday morning for thinking day) and im really really nervous.

it's like im supposed to be the one knowing what to do but then in actual it's like i dont know what to do, you know? and it's really scary.

im afraid there will be a point where they will be waiting for me to give instructions and i'll be like looking around, finding someone else to turn to for help.

or maybe i'll have to call the all-so-familiar helpline.

but i dont want to have to keep relying on other people.

i want to be more independent, to be a lot more stronger, to be able to think on my own feet, able to give the right instructions at the right time, able to be firm in my decisions without wavering or feeling scared, to be a person who others can look up to,

can depend on,

can trust.

i want to be that kind of person.

but i right now, i have no guts, no ability, no direction, only a goal in mind.

and im not sure if it's enough to keep me going.

i still have a lot to learn.

i know i wont regret. because it's a choice i made, it's something i want to do. willingly. not because someone asked me to, but because i want to. because i know if i say no, there will be this feeling in my chest, like something will be tugging at my heart, something there that's very stubborn, refusing to let go just like that.

something there.

a feeling i cant ignore.

im not afraid of what will happen to me, or my academics. im more afraid of messing the whole thing up, of doing it wrong!

im not sure how to go about doing it in the first place.

on that note, i know have a major problem. i dont know how to set my priorities right.

concerns will always be at the top of the list there.

off to meet melissa now for dinner and to make myself better.

p/s: stomach still hurts. but i dont want to eat pain killers. ):

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