cloudy day.

maybe it was due to my lack of sleep, maybe it's cos big aunty came to visit.

maybe im just pmsing, maybe im having moodswings again.

maybe it's due to that 15/30 i got for my econs test and esp the stupid 'See Me!' on it, maybe it's cos of that 4/34 i got for my math test.

maybe it was cos of that sad realisation, maybe it was that loser feeling that overwhelmed me just now.

but i wasnt in a good mood. im still in a freaking bad mood.

and i can count off a few ppl who really pissed me off just now.

the sad realisation? i realised i dont belong to any group in the class. not jiahui's clique, not sarah's clique def, and not really wan zhen's clique too and of cos not the guys' clique. i mean, im close to quite a few on a personal level in class but i realised i dont really have a clique in class. it's like i've become this 'floating person' who has to keep changing cliques again.

i really dont have what it takes to be the CG rep.

it's like back to that time in p5 p6. when i left my clique.

hui tze is like damn nice to me. emily too. and jasmin will keep asking me follow her. but i dont really click with clique. it's like diff character u know?

wanzhen's clique? im close to wanzhen and liying but im not really really that close to shakeela and shel.

it's like pretty sad luh. i actually asked shakeela if it was okay to sit at the place beside her. wth? why did i have to ask???

really quite sad about it. and i realise all these years, i dont really belong anywhere you know. im always out of the venn diagram. the one and probably the only one and the always one being laughed at or being treated as a joke.

but you know, i want to be someone they can laugh with, not laugh at.

as much as i dont mind, nowadays, it feels really suck.

and i became someone who really minds but have to laugh it off.

sometimes, it's really pure act. just to please the hell out of them. i wonder why i have to pretend.

faking is really tiring.

math lesson was depressing for the first time. i have a feeling that mrs tay has given up on me. i think i scored the worst in my class.

and i really hate being laughed at about my mathematics.

havent you yourself been lousy at things before too?

and i contemplated retaining again.

and the menacing thoughts came to my mind once again.

i mentioned that i got separated from liying and rachel at 313. got frantic, and called them but they didnt answer. then next i couldnt reach them at all. it reminded me of the time when i couldnt find my mum at bugis, and i just started crying, and this lady with her sons asked me what's wrong and she let me hug her and cry until my mum came back and found me.

the wave of relief that washed over me then.

when i was alone yesterday, i didnt like the feeling one bit. as much as im a seventeen, big girl who has become stronger, i came to realise how much im afraid of being alone. i was real mad at them and at myself for being such a coward too. my nose turned sour and i really felt like crying. im not sure if they noticed it or not but i managed to control myself.

many may think im still like a child but i dare say everything that i've went through, has made me a much more mature person than you are.

yes im childish. i'll cry and throw temper if i want to. IT'S MY RIGHT. I'LL DO IT IF I WANT.

and it's none of your business.

that was what i really feel like telling you just now.

im at the point of giving up my studies. really.

im at the point of giving up everything.

i dont know what's left there for me to hold onto. seriously.

it wouldnt make a difference.

and im pretty sure the person i want to talk to the most right now is mad at me. ):

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