fears.

shall kiv the fact that my blog is slowly dying for a while. and yes, i have a lot of updating to do which i think even 20 posts is not enough.

but there's an even more urging one. so urging that i had to come online, my comfort corner.

not that i dont have anyone to talk to. in fact, two ppl know abt it alr, in my stupid foolish moment of bluntness.

im scared. really scared. but i dunno what i can do to make myself do someth abt it

see, it is the first time that i discovered that i cannot handle stress.

i've always thot of myself as an optimistic easy-come-and-easy-go person who treat stress like a feather. even if many events are tight and clashes, most of the time i can keep a cool abt them and takes things as they come.

and now i havent even take a single major exam and im starting to feel scared alr.

real scared.

im scared that i wont be able to promoted to j2.

my humanities have always been better than my science and duh, my mathematics area.

so after i've decided my subjects, i told myself at the very least i must do well in economics and general paper, my current top 2 favourite subjects.

after first week, everything was fine, i really love the subjects, more convinced that i can do well in them.

but a few more weeks later?

2 econs tests, one is a true or false type of question paper and another an essay, both of which i didnt do well.

gp? one paragraph exercise which have flaws everywhere, one reading log whereby my own answers are a far cry from my subj tutor's actual answers, and very poor compared to some of my classmates' paragraphs.

saw her reading log, with a star and ticks everywhere. mine? IRRITATINGLY GROSS amt of language errors, circles around words, and remarks for improvement.

see the difference?

if i cant even do well for econs and gp, 2 of which i really hope badly to do well, 2 of which i think i can only do well in,

then what else can i do well in?

during soul night during tpjc orientation camp for the j1s, for the last reflection, mr low had asked us to write abt our dreams.

i've wrote v complexed ones, and v simple and fundamental ones too.

so simple and yet i cant even acheive.

that day in gp lesson, mr low (also my ct), told us abt the gp a level 2008 results. listening to him talk abt the a levels, i felt really depressed.

it got worse today when he started talking abt the marking rubics for gp a levels on the language component and said many of us were lying in the band C area (and i immediately thot that i lied in the bottom of band C, near band D area) and a couple at band B. and i felt v discouraged and felt a v strong urge to cry. a really strong one, such that u can feel ur nose scrunched up and suddenly the nose area felt warm and sour and u had to pinch ur lips to stop urself from doing so.

bcos i just dont see myself going up to band B, much less band A.

now im not blaming him or anything, he wasnt trying to discourage us. in fact, he wanted to let us know that hey, none of us are in the band D area, which is something celebratory. and he said we would all move up to band A tgt as the days come.

but i just dont see myself going up there.

i really want to find the drive to push myself, but somehow, i feel strengthless, or put it plainly, i felt lazy, slack again as usual.

and yet, i dont want history to repeat itself. i've made promises and i really dont want to break them.

i wish someone would just slap me and wake me up.

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