hurt.

this is gonna be the first emo post in a long time. ignore if u dont like. and i dont care if u ppl's impressions of me change. and i dont need any comfort whatsoever.

i dont know which is the case:
me fed up with u or me fed up wth myself.
me upset with u or me upset with myself.
me angry with u or me angry with myself.

im confused. i have millions of questions in my head that i want to ask u. but i'll bet it will make things worse anyway.

not that things arent worse right now.

when u say we are good or even best friends, is the term just a namesake?

bcos i dont see u treating me as one.

u forgot my birthday.

i had to ask u before u realise it was actually my birthday. and it was like 7 pm plus that day alr. u dunno how many times i have been checking at my handphone that day just to see if u sent me a birthday wish. and every time i see a new message in my inbox and open it,

the wish wasnt from u.

i had to actually sms u first that day and ask if u forgot my birthday.

despite ur repeated apologies, i still felt hurt.

i wanted to call u and shout at u, "u have RUINED MY BIRTHDAY MOOD."

but i couldnt bcos i know u will feel guilty about it. and i rather i myself being upset.

and where's my birthday present till now, madam? i've been waiting for it.

and i still havent got it. it's alr 2009 for goodness sake.

where are the promises u've made? u said that we have to hang out together when u have a day off.

but u forgot those promises like as usual.

u spent ur day offs with those friends of yours even.

and u are alr not working right now.

i felt so damn disappointed pls.

i feel that im ALWAYS the one who's trying and trying to maintain this friendship.

and im sick and tired of it.

and everytime i receive a message from u, im hoping so hard that it will be bcos u want to arrange a date to hang out with me or at least to chat with me or catching up.

NEVER.

the only reason u could have to sms me is bcos u have a PURPOSE.

can i lend u a book? can i help u do this do that?

im so sick and tired of them that i could not even bother to reply those stupid messages of yours anymore.

u did not anyway.

i wished u on christmas and u didnt even reply.

u wished me on new year and i didnt want to reply that too. but had to bcos i told myself before that i'd reply anyone who wishes me anyth.

i really dunno if i should blame u for being such a 'wonderful' friend or myself for being such a demanding person with high expectations.

i keep asking myself, is it bcos i expect too much or bcos i keep comparing u and my other best friend?

but i guess u and i have really drift apart. but it's really only been just one month.

just one month. how can things changed so quickly?

from two chatty friends to two starngers who cant even do a simple small talk for a ten-minute walking journey.

awkward silence between two 'close friends'?

have u heard of anything more absurd?

and i did try to initiate a conversation. u just replied and FULLSTOP.

and the only reason why im venting all these frustrations here is bcos u'll nvr come and read my blog no matter how many times i asked u too bcos u always forgot to.

and i guess i dont want to care anymore.

and note to ppl who read this post: u may guess who this person is but dont ask me who bcos i wont divulge any information. and i dont care if anyone of u change impression of me bcos this is my blog and a place where i can write down my feelings. and yea i know i sound like a jealous, miserable and petty bitch but u dont know how much pain i've felt and how much tears i've shed over this matter anyway.

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